Subarus, Cup-Holders, Tiredness, and Rest.

I came back to the U.S. with the most imperceptible of tans that only God and I could see, probably, and here I am, two months later, back to my translucent pallor. Oh, it's time to get back to the sun! (For the power of Vitamin D, you understand, and whatever healthy sheen is its byproduct.)

December 3 is the day. My dad and I will load up the dogs and cat and a wealth of healthy car snacks and head for Belize. We are taking the Subaru.

I have wanted a Subaru for awhile. They are handy cars with all-wheel drive. We have a family lot that is mostly vertical land leading down to a swampy lake and wetlands that is my favorite place on earth. The asphalt laid sometime before I was born has long since chunked up and deteriorated. Even if blacktop remains under there somewhere, the years upon years of decomposed leaves on top of it make traction in any other car I've driven just unlikely. Especially if it is at all moist. So I have talked to my dad about getting a Subaru. Then we went out for our annual Veteran's Day breakfast and decided to test drive Subarus. We found one in need of work and half the price of any we tested from dealers. It has leather seats (very good for porting pets), the aforementioned all-wheel-drive (suited not only to the leaf bed at the lake but also the rocky and unpredictable backroads of Belize), and some nice amenities. (The key fob, for instance, can turn on the car. Which I didn't know til yesterday when I took the dogs out of the car and walked to the house, gripping seven things at once in my hand and - viola - the car started behind me. And I started.)

("What?" I asked the neighborhood. And I tried every button on the fobs (there are two of them) to turn it back off. It would not comply. Even when I put the key back into the ignition (having dumped the dogs and my six other in-hand items inside the basement door) and tried to turn it off, the car was electronically predetermined to be On and would not turn Off. I put it in gear and drove forward, and then the key in the ignition trumped any previous orders and the car turned off and sat quietly in my driveway til morning.)

And, there was also a broken cup-holder (passenger side). The seller had a line up of people interested in the car. It is hard to snag a used Subaru in Eau Claire. I have tried, and they are always gone before I can even test drive them. But we had gotten there first this time.

I liked the models of this car we had driven before (an Outback) but (as a non-mechanical person) didn't know about all of the work it needed. Because of that, I wasn't sure enough about this car to sell my little Mazda for it. That was my litmus test. But as we sat there in the owner's shop, asphyxiating with the previous weeks' cigarette smoke still hanging in the air of the shop, my dad was sure.

"Really?" I said.

It seemed a little rash to buy a car on the spot. Especially because there was another family test driving it now. I didn't want to buy something just because someone else might get it. And how would I know how much that motivated my decision? What about the repair work it needed? It would be sold As Is. But maybe it was better to fix everything on our watch and know it was fixed than to Assume all was well with a pre-fixed dealer's car and end up needing, say, a timing belt in Tampico, Mexico, or in Santa Elena, Belize (where duct tape is one of the main repair tools in every mechanic's shop. Very resourceful mechanics when parts are in short supply). But, as mentioned, my dad was sure.

"The only thing between us and that car is a broken cupholder," my dad replied.

I laughed. The cupholder was the deal breaker, then. Surely that could be fixed.

"Ok," I said. And we bought it and we had the axles replaced and we had the headgaskets (and timing belt and fluids and what-have-you) replaced and we had the Cupholder Fixed. We now have a resilient little Subaru Outback to traverse the roads of Belize.

My living room is laid out with all of the things we Might Take. A car allows you a lot more space than a few suitcases on the plane. But it's still not limitless space. Especially when you need room for two hounds and their cat and provisions for each. So the next week of my time will be winnowing down the piles into things we Will Actually Take.

This, and sleep, is all I am doing. I've been amazingly exhausted since I returned to the U.S. I knew it would be taxing, right at the time I am supposed to be mellow and peaceful and fostering Healing in every way. But this fatigue is so extreme that I went and had my blood checked for iron or thyroid problems. Or lyme's disease (which has run rampant in my family in the last year). The doctor was delighted to report that all of my numbers were excellent. I was not as delighted. As I have said, it's easier to deal with something clear cut: like take more iron. If all of my numbers are fine then why am I sleeping sometimes 10 hours at night and then five more during the day?

"I don't know," he said. (Helpful.) He thought I'd have to launch into very expensive tests to find out. And to do that, I'd need to go to an oncologist, in case it was related to melanoma. Well, that's the medical paradigm, which I have decided not to take. (For now.) So I decided to try to be ever-more rigorous with my program. It's so hard to follow. It's hard for me to even take the supplements I'm supposed to take. Nevermind the crazy restrictive diet. The only way I have gained 10 (needed) pounds back since I came home is from bending the rules. Occassional fish. A pound of nuts while I watch TV online on Hulu. But I was uncomfortably thin. I felt Frail and Bony. And I guess I am too vain to want to be frail and bony. It looks old on you.

So I started taking protein powder. At first I thought it helped a lot. I had two weeks of regular energy. Then I slept from 3 pm on Sunday til 8 am on Monday with only a short time awake to blearily eat two pounds of steamed vegetables (I may exaggerate) and go back to sleep. The good thing is that after such copious amounts of sleep, I feel fine, not tired. And I might have good energy for three days. In my lifestyle of 10 years ago, I would have pressed through. Made myself function. Drunk lots of caffeine to do so. And ignored my body crying "Sleep!" (Maybe that's why I'm in this situation now.) So, whatever I seem to need, I am doing. Some nights that is to sleep 13 hours and some days that is to eat every fruit and vegetable in sight. Amazing amounts of produce you could never imagine I could consume. All day long. As though I were a bear and my life's work was only to feed myself. It seems ridiculous, but it's working out. I'm also keeping up on the protein powder. How on earth does any vegan get enough protein? I just don't see how it's possible. I can eat tons of beans and nuts and it's just not enough.

I'm very aware that all of the tiredness might not be nutritional or even physical, it might be emotional. And then I guess the solution is to rest, too. Both kinds of rest. Resting in Bed. Resting in my Maker. Leaning on Him because He is not mystified by iron or thyroid or protein or Lyme's disease, and not by melanoma. He knows exactly what I need and He promises to provide when I am leaning (resting) on Him. (Proverbs 3.5, and all of Luke 12:22-34 and so many other places...)

So if you pray for me,  pray for safety crossing through Mexico for us, especially on the morning of December 6. I think the dogs will make quite a spectacle of any banditos that have their eye on our cartop cargo. The only real danger is getting through the border and about 30 minutes in. After that, it's probably as safe to drive in Mexico as in the U.S., all things considered. And pray that I will know how to rest in all ways and restore this body to health and life. Pray that this will be, as we imagine, the trip of a lifetime for my dad and I, and my mom who will join us in Belize in January. (And all of you who have a free place to stay in the tropics as soon as we find one!) And pray for my brave  parents who at 76 (mom) and 89 (dad) are venturing into the unknown!

Bless you for reading again! Sorry I've taken so long to update you. (I've been sleeping). I hope to be able to post more often from the road when we stop every night on this 3,000 mile trek!

Love and inexpressible adoration,
Susan