Jaguar Kisses and Other Ponderings

My dad is sleeping in the hammock at the house replaying in his mind the fat rough tongue of the jaguar licking and licking his forehead through the cage yesterday at the zoo, before opening his big teeth and drooling jaguar saliva down onto our jeans, waiting for his chicken leg reward. How I love the glory of wild cats. I wonder what they would charge me to sit in the human cage inside his pen all day and just watch him move around me in all of his Majesty.

Michelle, our hostess, and Fabio, our friend from Italy, came with us. Fabio drove us all in the Subaru. (What an excellent car for Belize.) I have been driving and driving for weeks. Months. I never thought about what a relief it would be to simply ride. To gaze out the window, to turn around and talk to my dad or Michelle, to have the freedom to observe more than just other cars. To not be Responsible for the speed bumps. The ever present yet somehow unseeable Speed Bumps.

After the zoo, we visited Michelle's site where they are building a green, natural living community on 30 acres of jungle and Mayan mounds. This was my dad's first visit to the jungle. Michelle's caretaker Juan had marked off a walking path and planted all sorts of flowers and transplanted wild orchids everywhere. It was a great day with friends and I think my dad's first Wonderful experiences in Belize. We needed a wonderful experience. He and I, both.

I have been missing something. Like my vision for this great escapade. Why did I come back to Belize, again? Not wanting to have left in the first place? Why did I think it was such a great idea to bring my 89 year old dad to a developing country? What, again, is the point? I have been in a blur. The stress of the trip was too much. Not what I am supposed to be having in my life in this season of Fighting Cancer. And it did not subside once we arrived in Cayo. How I have needed a Great Recalibration and haven't had the breath to find it.

Trust. In the Lord. With all your heart. Lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways Acknowledge Him and He will direct your path.

What a crazy promise. He will direct my path. Put me back on track. Give me the vision. I notice that the only Negative thing, the only what-not-to-do item is about me: Don't rely on how I see things.

But my own understanding is so astute. It seems like He would need my help to assess things. Maybe I could address things as I See Fit and He could just bless it all. Bless whatever I want. Yeah. (That is possibly where I went off the road before...)

I seem to love to fantasize about life being all about me. And, ironically, as good as that sounds, this is the source of most of my pain. Unreasonable Expectations. What brings me joy and makes life exuberant and full of awe is when I am focused on Him. Because He focuses on me. And I don't have to. It's the difference between the one you love saying "Do it yourself" and saying "I have already taken care of it for you." One way, life is hard and up to me. The other way, I am blessed, cared for, moving in the flow of beauty and what is good that has been laid before me. Not worried about myself because someone else is. My eyes are free to see it and my hands are free to touch it because, like a trip to the zoo, I am Not Driving.

It took about 11 days for me to stop lamenting in my own head that nothing was going right and I was not right and we came all this way and my dad Didn't Seem to Like Belize and I was living with Five dogs not Two, and with People not alone. People who talk out loud when I am busy thinking in my own mind. Can you imagine the audacity? Oh my. So every little thing has been an adjustment.

And what I needed was a little trust, according to that verse. I didn't feel untrusting, but I didn't Act trusting. The kind of trust that says, I defer to You because Your judgement is better than mine.

The original vision for coming back to Belize was to continue my health regimen to Fight Cancer. To bring my parents away from the ice and snow of winter. To Write a Book. To let God continue to Expose and Uproot cancers of the spirit, more perilous than any melanoma, which is perilous enough. I wrote about this in August...

Part of the problem of keeping (even remembering) the Original Vision is that I don't actually want to think about cancer anymore. I don't want to follow my health regimen. It is inconvenient to me and everyone I spend time with. I don't even know if I want to write squat. I certainly don't want (on the surface) for God to be exposing more frailties in me that He wants to fix. I would rather (on the surface) live with an Idealistic View of Myself and never address anything; live in willful ignorance.

Except that it is so beautiful when He transforms a little aspect of me; and it is so ugly when I Pretend Not to See and carry on in my dysfunctional ways as long as I can get away with it. I sometimes put up resistance, but in the end, the draw toward beauty eventually and always wins.

Well, at least now I realize that I have been Avoiding the Original Vision. Eleven days of tripping on the jump rope of life that is Belize and finally I say, Ah, my heart hasn't been in it. I need to want this.

So, we saw the zoo. Spider monkeys and jaguars and giant tapirs and brilliant squawking birds. We saw Michelle's jungle property. Tomorrow we will visit a Maya ruin. Maybe Friday we will go to Cave's Branch and see more orchids and have Tea and go to the old world Mennonite community of Springfield to buy cream from Isaac's son at his dairy. I told you about Isaac in August - the dentist in a community without electricity. (I had to say it again because it has such great shock value.) Ok, horse-powered electricity. Then, I will make Butter. Next week, I will try to arrange for us to go to the sea and snorkel.

But tonight, I am thanking God for everything good in Belize. For wonderful friends I have made here. For a beautiful place to stay with Michelle. For good health for both my dad and me. For dogs who come back even after they've leapt through window screens like superheroes on an important mission. For the amazing patience and faithfulness of God...

Rebounding from Weary, Just Shy of Rejuvenated,

Susanna en Belize